Written 2022, published 2025.

Note: This contains sensitive information around miscarriage, please don’t read if you aren’t feeling ready.

I, like a lot of people have found the last few years hard. From lots of change, to grief, anxiety, miscarriage, infertility and health concerns, it’s been a lot. In a world that is so connected I have felt lonely. So many people deal with these issues but it’s so infrequently talked about. It needs to change.

I had a missed miscarriage in December 2021 and it was a very lonely experience. I hope this makes someone feel less alone, so here’s my story.

We found out we were pregnant with our first child in October 2021, we were so excited. I had some bleeding around 6/7 weeks and went for an NHS scan, everything was fine and we saw the heartbeat. After years of being told I would struggle to get pregnant, due to PCOS, I couldn’t shake the feeling that something would go wrong. Our 12-week scan came through for Jan 2022, I needed reassurance before that so booked a private scan for 10 weeks. The scan was on 23rd December, I wish now we’d waited until after Christmas. The scan showed that the baby had stopped growing at around 8 weeks. I personally found they weren’t set up to deal with these scenarios at the private clinic. Seeing the huge picture projected on the wall, clearly showing no heartbeat was horrible. They told us to head to hospital to get it confirmed but on the way there the hospital rang and told us to come in in the morning. Not much sleep was had that night.

On Christmas eve we went into hospital for the scan and it was confirmed.

I was then talked through the options, as it had already been a few weeks and my body hadn’t recognised that anything was wrong, I chose to take a tablet to pass the pregnancy. I had to wait until the 27th for this appointment. That Christmas was tough.

On the 27t I was told it would feel like bad period cramps and was sent on my merry way with no pain medication. Having PCOS I had had heavy periods in the past and knew what bad period cramps felt like. Fast forward a few hours and I was in the most excruciating pain I have ever felt. I like to think I have a high pain threshold, when I had appendicitis I ummed and ahhed about going into hospital because the pain was manageable. This pain was something else.

If someone had warned me that the pain would be that bad I would have taken some painkillers at the time the tablet was put in, to pre-empt it. Instead I was behind and had to then wait for paracetamol and ibuprofen to kick in. Really I think the hospital should give out stronger pain killers, but that’s another debate.

Miscarriage is hard enough mentally without having to deal with the physical pain too. Being told at the hospital that it would just be bad period pain made me feel ashamed when I was then writhing on the bathroom floor in agony. Was I weak? First my body couldn’t keep a pregnancy and now I can’t even deal with ‘bad cramps’. It’s more emotional torture that you don’t need.

We’d been told to ring the unit if the pain was severe, my partner tried but couldn’t get through. Probably because it was evening at this point and they had gone home. It was a scary experience. Once I had passed the pregnancy the physical pain subsided.

After researching i’ve found that different trusts have different protocols for pain management with miscarriage and some do give stronger painkillers. When I look back now I think maybe I was naive, my body was essentially being forced into labor, of course it was going to be painful! But when professionals and pamphlets all tell you it will be like ‘bad period cramps’ who are you to question?

As much as I wish no-one had to go through miscarriage, I hope this helps someone be prepared and takes away some of the physical pain at least. Ideally be at home, with someone you trust and dose up on painkillers. I still think about that baby and what could have been, I don’t think that will change.

One fact that really brings me comfort is that cells from a miscarriage remain in the mother’s body long-term, sometimes permanently, a phenomenon known as microchimerism. Forever carry them with me.

Sending love to all those fighting through the darkness at the moment, i’ll be lighting a candle for you too.